Growing up across the street from each other in Twin Falls, Idaho, Lisa Fry and Paula Turner never doubted their friendship would last forever. But after Fry married, moved to New York City and had a baby, her letters to Turner suddenly went unanswered. “Do you think I’ve somehow offended her?” Fry asked her husband.
Turner, meanwhile, had convinced herself she was no longer important to Fry. “She’s got a family now,” she told herself. “We’re just too different to be close like before.”
Finally, Fry summoned the courage to call her old friend. At first, the conversation was awkward, yet soon they both admitted that they missed each other. A month later, they got together and quickly fell into their old habit of laughing and sharing confidences.
“Thank goodness I finally took action,” Fry says. “We both realized we were as important to each other as ever.”
There are good reasons to cherish our friendships. Some years ago a public-opinion research firm, Roper Starch Worldwide, asked 2007 people to identify one or two things that said the most about themselves. Friends far outranked homes, jobs, clothes and cars.
“A well-established friendship carries a long history of experience and interaction that defines who we are and keeps us connected,” says Donald Pannen, executive officer of the Western Psychological Association. “It is a heritage we should protect.”
Ironically, says Brant R. Burleson, professor of communication at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Ind., “the better friends you are, the more likely you’ll face conflicts.” And the outcome can be precisely what you don’t want–an end to the relationship.
The good news is that most troubled friendships can be mended. Here’s what experts suggest:
Swallow your pride. It wasn’t easy, but that’s what Denise Moreland of Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii did when a friendship turned sour. For nearly four months, Moreland, 45, had watched over Nora Huizenga’s two young daughters, who were living with their father on the base, while Huizenga, 40, completed training as a dental hygienist in Nevada. “I felt honored to be asked to step in,” Moreland says.
When Huizenga returned at Christmas, Moreland recalls, “I had so much to tell her, but she never called.” One daughter had a birthday party, but Moreland wasn’t invited. “I felt like I’d been used,” she says.
At first, Moreland vowed to avoid Huizenga. Then she decided to swallow her pride and let her friend know how she felt. Huizenga admitted that she’d been so worried about being separated from her family that she’d been blind to what her friend had done to help her. Today she says, “I would never have figured out what happened if Denise hadn’t called me on it.”
When a friend hurts you, your instinct is to protect yourself. But that makes it harder to patch up problems, explains William Wilmot, author of Relational Communication. “Most of us are relieved when differences are brought out in the open.”
Apologize when you’re wrong–even if you’ve also been wronged. No one should allow himself to be emotionally abused by anyone. But over the course of a friendship, even the best people make mistakes. “A relationship can grind to a standstill if the offender refuses to make the first move at reconciliation,” Wilmot explains. “Under these circumstances, it may be best if the wronged person takes the initiative and apologizes–for getting upset, for not understanding the friend’s circumstances. When you apologize, give your friend the opportunity to admit that he’d screwed up.”
Experts agree that one of the worst things you can do when you’re upset is to start a fight. “We don’t think clearly when we’re arguing,” says Michael Lang, a professional mediator in Pittsburgh. Instead, says Lang, ask: “What’s going on? This doesn’t make sense.”
See things from your friend’s point of view. Sociologist Rebecca Adams of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro and Rosemary Blieszner, professor of gerontology and family studies at the Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in Blacksburg, interviewed 53 adults who each had many friendships lasting decades. “We were curious how these people managed to sustain strong friendships for so long,” says Blieszner.
Tolerance is key, the researchers learned. The subjects also didn’t let problems get blown out of proportion. “It’s surprising how often a dispute results from a simple misunderstanding,” adds psychotherapist Anne Frenkel.
Accept that friendships change. In the spring of 1996, Cindy Lawson, 34, of Chicago, and a close friend decided to co-host a friend’s bridal shower. The two women agreed to share the work and the cost. Then the friend, an attorney, took a new, more demanding job. Total responsibility for the shower fell to Lawson.
On the Saturday of the shower, Lawson did all the party decorating, then prepared dinner for 35 guests. Her co-host did not arrive from her office until shortly before the event. Later her friend complained about the cost.
Lawson was furious. But deep down, she did not want to break off ties. The two women were in a book club together, had many common friends and enjoyed dinners out together with their husbands. Instead, Lawson decided to remain friends–but not close friends.
“Friendships change as our needs and lifestyles change,” Wilmot observes. “It’s healthy to have a host of friends and to sometimes shift the status of one or another.”
Making friends can sometimes seem easy, says Yager. The hard part is keeping the connections strong during the natural ups and downs that affect all relationships. Her suggestion: Consider friendship an honor and a gift, and worth the effort to treasure and nurture.
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April 22nd, 2008
News from USA TODAY
Jan 10, 2008 wow gold
MERRIMACK, N.H. — New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson ended his campaign for the presidency Wednesday after twin fourth-place finishes that showed his impressive credentials could not compete with his rivals’ star power.
Richardson planned to announce the decision Thursday, according to two people close to the governor with knowledge of the decision. They spoke on a condition of anonymity in advance of the governor’s announcement.
The Richardson campaign would not comment on the governor’s decision, reached after a meeting with his top advisers Wednesday in New Mexico.
Richardson had one of the most wide-ranging resumes of any candidate ever to run for the presidency, bringing experience from his time in Congress, President Clinton’s Cabinet, in the New Mexico statehouse as well as his unique role as a freelance diplomat. As a Hispanic, he added to the unprecedented diversity in the Democratic field that also included a black and a woman.
But Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama dominated the spotlight in the campaign, and Richardson was never able to become a top-tier contender. He accused his rivals of failing to commit to bring troops home from Iraq soon enough.
He portrayed his campaign as a job application for president, and ran clever ads that showed a bored interviewer unimpressed with his dazzling resume. The commercials helped fuel his move to double-digit support in some early state polls, and advisers argued he was poised to move past former vice presidential nominee John Edwards for the role of third-place challenger.
But he was not able to build the momentum and came in a distant fourth place in Iowa and New Hampshire. Richardson didn’t get quite 5% in the New Hampshire primary Tuesday and came in with just 2% in the Iowa caucus last week.
January 13th, 2008
Once a circle missed a wedge1).The circle wanted to be whole’so it went around looking for its missing piece．But because it was incomplete and therefore could roll only very slowly’it admired the flowers along the way．It chatted with worms．It enjoyed the sunshine．It found lots of different pieces’but none of them fit．So it left them all by the side of the road and kept on searching．Then one day the circle found a piece that fit perfectly．It was so happy．Now it could be whole’with nothing missing．It incorporated the missing piece into itself and began to roll．Now that it was a perfect circle’it could roll very fast’too fast to notice the flowers or talking to the worms．When it realized how different the world seemed when it rolled so quickly’it stopped’left its found piece by the side of the road and rolled slowly away．
The lesson of the story’I suggested’was that in some strange sense we are more whole when we are missing something．The man who has everything is in some ways a poor man．He will never know what it feels like to yearn’to hope’to nourish his soul with the dream of something better．He will never know the experience of having someone who loves him give him something he has always wanted or never had．[wow gold]
There is a wholeness about the person who has come to terms with his limitations’who has been brave enough to let go of his unrealistic dreams and not feel like a failure for doing so．There is a wholeness about the man or woman who has learned that he or she is strong enough to go through a tragedy2) and survive’who can lose someone and still feel like a complete person．
Life is not a trap3) set for us by God so that he can condemn4) us for failing．Life is not a spelling bee’where no matter how many words you’ve gotten right’you’re disqualified if you make one mistake．Life is more like a baseball season’where even the best team loses one－third of its games and even the worst team has its days of brilliance．Our goal is to win more games than we lose．[world of warcraft gold]
When we accept that imperfection is part of being human’and when we can continue rolling through life and appreciate it’we will have achieved a wholeness that others can only aspire to．That’I believe’is what God asks of us－－not “Be perfect”‘not “Don’t even make a mistake”‘but “Be whole．” [wow gold]
If we are brave enough to love’strong enough to forgive’generous enough to rejoice in another’s happiness’and wise enough to know there is enough love to go around for us all’then we can achieve a fulfillment5) that no other living creature will ever know．
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December 19th, 2007
What would you think of this lady’s physical attractiveness if she exhibited bad personal traits?
If you exhibit positive traits such as honesty and helpfulness, the chances are that you will be perceived as a good looking person, for a new study has found that the perception of physical attractiveness is influenced by a person’s personality.
The study, led by Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr, found that people who exhibit negative traits, such as unfairness and rudeness, appear to be less physically attractive to observers.
In the study, the participants viewed photographs of opposite-sex individuals and rated them for attractiveness before and after being provided with information on personality traits.
After personality information was received, participants also rated the desirability of each individual as a friend and as a dating partner.
Information on personality was found to significantly alter perceived desirability, showing that cognitive processes modify judgments of attractiveness.
“Perceiving a person as having a desirable personality makes the person more suitable in general as a close relationship partner of any kind,” said Lewandowski.
The findings show that a positive personality leads to greater desirability as a friend, which leads to greater desirability as a romantic partner and, ultimately, to being viewed as more physically attractive.
The findings remained consistent regardless of how “attractive” the individual was initially perceived to be, or of the participants’ current relationship status or commitment level with a partner.
“This research provides a more positive alternative by reminding people that personality goes a long way toward determining your attractiveness; it can even change people’s impressions of how good looking you are,” said Lewandowski.
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December 5th, 2007
WOW Gold / wow gold / 阳朔
After 10 years’ handover to motherland, today’s Hongkong is more and more connect to the China mainland. With the development & growth of china economey, Hongkong will have more opportunities than ever before. In any sense, including new SAR government which different than the British-led colonial government, high degree of autonomy & Hongkong administer Hongkong, we can say this is a wholly new Hongkong which is more dynamic & confident.
Also, if no great country, if there is no creative & imaginative “one country, two systems” policy, Hongkong can’t return to China peacefully, so great & powerful motherland is always be the Hongkong’s fountain source of energy.
July 4th, 2007
[provided by:北京金信翻译公司/翻译/wow gold]
Can you still find this day, my dear, among your possessions?
Among the souvenirs of your trips to faraway lands, the textbooks from those halcyon days when you walked the hallowed 4portals of that engineering college, the cassettes whose covers were left behind after one of those bacchanalian sessions in the hostel, the photographs of those classmates whose names you can’t remember? Or is it hidden in the darkness, put out of sight along with the book you bought but never read, the gift you never quite found a use for and the letters you never finished or sent.
I can still find it here, in the city, in the house which you have never visited, in the kitchen where I have imaginary conversations with you. It is here even when I am not, for I go out now, leaving the light on and the music playing, so I can return home to the illusion of company.
I am probably better off now. Without secrets to keep from my parents. Without someone to come between me and my friends, me and my pastimes, me and my work, me and my sensible, understandable, utilitarian life. The life that I keep trying, keep failing to bring in line with the expectations that I keep trying, keep failing to make my own.
It is not that I always feel like this, sometimes I yearn for those days when tears and laughter both came easy. Those easy and quick transitions from ecstasy to despair. When a compliment could keep my mind occupied for hours on end and a harsh word could prick like a pin the same skin which now seems dry and insensitive. Like probably millions around the world, I look outside the window of a crowded bus, lost in my own thoughts and wonder how it could happen to me.
Was I not supposed to be different from the rest? Not for the silly schoolgirl infatuation with the football team captain or the fascination with the good for nothing, pot-smoking aspiring poet. Ours was a mature friendship that had blossomed into more. How could I feel a pang of envy then, when you lent a helping hand to another girl, when you spoke about someone who’s far away and about to be married, when you were so involved in the book you were reading that you did not notice that we never met all day?
When we decided that it had been too long and that we should meet, I carefully started preparing a package for you. A small poem, that book you always wanted but never found, an old photograph and a bar of chocolate for us to share. What would I wear and what would we talk about? The package still remains in my drawer waiting for the phone to ring again.
It was a rainy Sunday afternoon when we sat in my tiny hostel room, discussing capitalism and campus gossip with equal fervor. When it seemed as if those conversations could last forever and we would never tire of them. When Joni Mitchell sang “California” seven times on continuous play before we thought of getting out.
Then one day suddenly we were looking for each other. You were always somewhere else, doing something else and strangely enough so was I. Those new people I met on that trip and that junior guy who loved the same movies I do. That girl next door who took math lessons from you. My room was almost always locked and yours was no different. We seemed to have discovered a whole world outside of ourselves all of a sudden. The tragedy was we had also lost the world we had before.
Then came the rescue mission. The loud fights in the hostel wing, the long silences and the desperate angry notes. Frustration, anxiety and even love revealing itself in the ugliest possible ways. Then indifference,complacency and
resignation. Calm,dispassionate discussions on how we could stay friends. The decision that we should always let the other know when we would be around. That’s when I started leaving those yellow post-its on the door. Those yellow post-its which by the time I came back would have your coordinates that I never used. If we had all of them now, they would be telling this tale a lot better than I am now.
Back home, I still continue leaving those post-its to this day, hoping that someone will write their whereabouts on them as well.
July 4th, 2007